I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
