even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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