I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
