Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
