You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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