So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
