Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
