I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
