Will you blow on my dice?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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