at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
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