I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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