hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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