I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
