Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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