Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
