I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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