No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
