fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
