dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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