After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
