i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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