We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize