I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
