yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
