i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
