you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
