I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
