The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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