...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
