I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
