Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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