My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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