How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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