This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
