Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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