Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
