I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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