So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
