my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
