My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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