I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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