Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
