I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
