I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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