good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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