Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
