Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
