I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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