But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Randomize
