So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
