you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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