Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
