I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
