i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
