Those balls look pretty dangerous.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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