I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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